Everyone lies and so should you.

Posted on January 3, 2012 by Therapyisdandy

I mean it.

Certainly the first part.

Most everyone remembers the Seinfeld episode with the really ugly baby. It was what Jerry called a “must lie situation.” What the show demonstrates is that everyone acknowledges the importance of social lying. Everyone except Kramer.

Judging from our culture, our judicial system, our many religious beliefs, lying is a big deal. Apparently. It is also is dealt with in an unrealistic, fairy tale kind of way. The stories about Honest Abe or young George Washington and that cherry tree are telling us not to lie? The last time anyone checked, politicians were not the gold standard on honesty. Honestly.

Lying is a means to an end. But sometimes it is just damage control.

Here is another clip about the prevalence of lying, especially when one is young and you lied to your parents. About everything.

Why?

Doesn’t it come down to what you want versus what is expected of you?

The difference being an adult is that you don’t have to lie about what you want. If you are lucky.

Honesty rocks the boat. Honesty upsets people. Honesty will make other people angry, or sad, or worse. Being honest has consequences. And no one seems all that interested in being honest about consequences these days.

Sometimes the hardest times to tell the truth are to those close to us, about what we really want. Or feel. Lying is easier. We have history with it. We do it without thinking. But what does it say about what you really want?

Maybe the impetus for this post is that today is the Iowa Caucus—a culmination of months of campaigning by many politicians who, if anything, have this one thing in common. Is the lying so over the top now for politicians because they assume most of us won’t remember or keep track of who said what about whom? Yes. Probably. So for these folks, lying could potentially get them the nomination to have a chance to become President. That’s quite an incentive. Who doesn’t lie to get that kind of opportunity?

What do you lie about?

The person we lie to the most, with both frequency and fervor, is ourselves. Of course it is. Why do you think people love to tell others to always be honest and behave? Because we can’t even do it ourselves. That’s called being human.

Next time: how to stop lying to yourself, or learn to love the bomb.

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The Holidays are not meant to make us feel good (So you can stop worrying).

Posted on December 24, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

The end of the year has never been an easy time for us humans. Before the last hundred years, you really had to worry about the cold, the snow, the sharing of cramped spaces, and inadequate resources. And something that we never have to think about nowadays is how scarce food could get. Scary times before 24 hour diners and drive thrus existed. Specifically the start of winter with the shortest day of the year (the solstice) was sort of a big deal.

Is it any surprise then that our ancestors often used that day to overzealously celebrate whatever pagan worship and practices happened to be around before that nice guy Jesus came along and everyone got converted (whether they asked for it or not)?

Of course not.

Because whatever was going on then, it was tied to nature, the turning of the seasons, and one last important, perhaps even somber celebration to please whoever the gods were to ensure that we could all get through another long and cold winterpalooza. Together.

It was all about survival. And the only important topics of the day were religion and politics (even though they were most likely one in the same). Even if you believed in neither. Because back in the day, you didn’t have a choice to opt out. If you opted out, then it was time to go find a new village.

Now, in the western world, one has to be more worried about getting trampled by overzealous shoppers at Wal Mart, then angry gods unhappy with our birthday or burnt offerings.

And survival? As in a community? Well, if you are part of the community in control of Wall Street, and the 1% in this country, your survival is not in question. They bow down and worship at the altar of capitalism, cash, and greed and they pay off who they need to. Just don’t ask them to talk politics or religion.

For the rest of us (Yes, Therapy is Dandy! is strictly for the 99% of us), survival means huddling up next to whoever our family is and maybe even celebrating one god or another, but don’t be too surprised if the message of survival, rebirth, respect for nature have all gone out the window.

Survival has now been replaced with an orgy of consumer spending. Not in order to easier survive the cold dread of winter, but to easier survive the boredom of our age. Rebirth, or choice, is only allowed if you are in the right group. Some conservative religious groups loves to talk about rebirth, and the pregnancy rates for some sects are astronomical. But some don’t think others, like our fine Gay and Lesbian friends should be allowed the same rights and practices. It is fascinating how many different “villages” exist in these supposed United States. Some of these villages tolerate others. Some certainly do not. And they want all the different folk to be like them, or be considered second class citizens, or go somewhere else altogether.  Is it any wonder no one feels comfortable talking about religion or politics? How can we be sure we are talking to one of our own tribe anymore?

That leaves Respect for Nature. And then you have to explain Global Warming deniers. The safety of our food. Where our food comes from even, and is it even food? And oil companies. And other things like fracking. But really, how many people do you know are even comfortable in bringing up either religion or politics in conversation amongst our own?  If anything bringing up either, ensures that we don’t survive. That whatever passes for a moderately painless experience with the relatives gets thrown out because we had the audacity to open our mouths and speak from the heart.

Why? Because why we celebrate the end of the year has nothing to do with the truth anymore.

Among our own families, we are not allowed to speak the truth, different bickering groups have their own versions of the truth (Fox vs.HuffPost), and the true nature of our existence loses ground everyday to those selfish few who merely want to hoard resources and wealth for themselves.

So our mental health suffers. We turn to drink to get us through the holidays. We lament our position, as we stand in line and pay with Visa or MasterCard with a throbbing headache, aching back, and a ghostly feeling that this year was somehow surely better than last year.

We are not surviving. We are not happy. And it is time for all of us to take our celebrations back.

It is time for us to change.

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Therapy and Thanksgiving

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

I know I am a week late. Blame the tryptophan.

The holidays are here and with them come all the different family melodramas that you may or may not be ready to accept.

For many adults the holidays can feel forced, fake and just serve as a reminder to all the unfinished business we counselors like to lump into a category called Family of Origin Concerns.

Charming sounding, isn’t it?

If you have no long lasting or emotionally crippling issues with your family of origin, if you are happy and everyone else in your family is happy (or else!) and there are no conflicts whatsoever, then this blog is not for you. This blog is for people who want honesty with their holidays.

NPR was asking people what topics they share with their family at the dinner table on Thanksgiving. The old saw about not bringing up politics or religion is still quite relevant, as NPR discovered. You can listen to their results here.

Perhaps one of the aspects that is so bothersome about the holidays is that we have come to celebrate only the surface of things—that artificial veneer of family support or community—that exists on top of a orgy of consumerism and gluttony kicked off by a holiday commemorating a white washed, fake celebration where our ancestors stole an entire country away from the indigenous tribes who already lived here.

If so, then no surprise we don’t go looking beneath the surface of things.

Thanksgiving might actually, more truthfully, mean we are thankful that we don’t have think about all the bad things in our past that we did, or all the ongoing self destructive choices that we make on a weekly or even daily basis.

Oh, and we celebrate by buying cheap electronics or sneakers. Fantastic.

If the rift between what you want to say and what you actually say is that wide, then it’s time to make a change. Therapy is about change. The good, the bad, and the totally loaded with carbs and sugars kind of change.

If you can’t bring yourself to be honest with your family, or yourself, then let’s start working together.

I promise never to make you eat turkey.

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Halloween and the masks we never take off.

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

In this Halloween season of drunk ninjas, lynched bankers and sexy librarians/cats/things, Therapy is Dandy would like to celebrate and give special consideration to the masks that we wear all the time.

One could argue that Halloween is actually more fun for adults than children because it is the one contemporary holiday that is based on in-your-face deception. We are not ourselves: we are exotic and fantastical creatures. We are walking horrors and disgusting rejects, we are the sexy (insert favorite occupation), and we are the drunken id full of too much left over summer time energy, celebrating one last big night before the fall of ice and snow.

There is a great kind of pleasure when you leave for the evening completely unrecognizable. There is freedom and there is fear. David Bowie made his career on the former, and the genre of doppleganger novels of the 19th century played out the latter (I am looking at you, Dr. Jekyl).

For every robot, princess or mafia kingpin we encounter on Halloween night, we all eventually go back home, take off our costume, and resume our intimate lives with the real masks of our lives. These personal masks have different, sobering names: unemployed, hopeless, bad, alcoholic, needy, depressed, unfulfilled, lost.

Given the power that taking off the personal mask has—even for a night—it is surprising that there are not costume balls nearly every weekend in every city! Maybe video games and electronic avatars have taken up that slack, but that’s a different topic for a different day.

Our personal masks, whether we made them ourselves over years and years, or if they were given to us by our parents or family (thanks, mom!), play a big part in how we interact with the world. Unfortunately, they also can trap us in ways of thinking about ourselves and our environment that lead to unhappiness and despair. This is where talking to a therapist can help you uncover the secret origin and history of your personal mask.

The power of Halloween, indeed the recharging and restorative power of Autumn, is about the reality of change, the reality that we all can and must put on a different mask when our environment changes. It is not just about adaptation (but that’s a big piece), it is also about enriching our lives with new and perhaps for the first time, healthier and happier perspectives.

If you would like to talk more about this, feel free to drop me an email: henry@therapyisdandy.com. Yes, I will even show you pictures of my latest costume.

 

Have a great Halloween!

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Going Home. Again.

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

Given how vocal we Americans tend to be about our freedom and individuality, it is hard not to notice all the fuss about where we originally came from. It is also very hard not to notice the nostalgia attached to going home again, or returning to one’s roots.

How does this have anything to do with a good, dandy sense of mental health, the hyper-individualized and freedom-loving reader might be asking themselves. Read on.

America has been described as the country where immigrants can come and forget their troubled past and begin working for that great American dream. For some, it is about healing old wounds and starting fresh in a different place, and, sometimes, with a different name. It is a very romantic and very naive idea. Reality is nothing like little 7 year-old Vito Corleone quarantined at Ellis Island singing a bittersweet little tune.

Our past is only ever a single thought away.

How many movies and books came out just this year where the character goes looking for his or her past for reasons that are more or less therapeutic? Summer blockbusters have the formula down where the origin of the hero must be told, and then the ultimate conflict in the final act is when the hero has to return home and discovers nothing is the same and that nothing is safe there anymore.

It has been almost ninety years since F Scott Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby and he beautifully showed how the myth of the American past, of Jay Gatsby desperately trying to replace his own past, had terrible and tragic consequences.

One of the enduring strengths of that book is how it holds a mirror up to the face of our nation, a nation obsessed with celebrity, obsessed with surface level change, obsessed with fast acting solutions for deep rooted problems.

And yet, things are worse than they ever were during Fitzgerald’s time.

What does it all mean?

It is very hard to fix something you don’t understand. It is even harder to fix something that isn’t actually true. Friends, neighbors, lovers and strangers that you pass by everyday are burdened by the chains of their past. They are burdened because they refuse or misunderstand how their past can predict their future.

What I am saying is that what Jay Gatsby really needed was a good therapist. Who doesn’t?

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Therapy? What’s it all about?

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

It is true people don’t start making calls and showing up for counseling when life is grand and fulfilling. That is a possible explanation for why some still consider therapy/counseling a rather gauche subject—not to be brought up at dinner time or in front of strangers (or relatives).

It is very human and very American to deny the existence of the dark side (if you will) of life. I don’t just mean our lack of any decent kind of discussion on death and dying, but I mean suffering in general. The enduring myth of the Protestant work ethic might have something to do with it all. The belief that if we work hard enough, long enough, and don’t complain, then the life we want (and deserve) will be right around the corner. And the life we want is without distress or disorder, right?

What brings normal, everyday people into therapy can be distilled into one major subject.

Relationships.

Therapy is all about relationships.

Life-long or transitory relationships we have with others and the ever-changing relationship we have with our self. And so many things can go awry. An existing relationship is ending, or crumbling, or taking a nose dive of epic proportions. There are not enough relationships around, or there are too many relationships draining all the energy in the room. Someone might be in a broken relationship hoping beyond all reason that the old thing will just start up again as if by magic. Sacrifices are given, spiritually and psychically, to the altar of relationships and people lose themselves in delusion and projection.

No one was expecting such complication.

And very few people are prepared for these complications, this dark side of human life. We try our best and learn to endure. But life doesn’t have to be a William Faulkner novel.

Therapy is the opportunity to address all the ongoing and extinct relationships one has. It is the opportunity to clean house, and to gain wisdom and a personalized perspective one cannot find in a book, or a dogma, or an artificial set of rules.

Therapy is about you. A better, more insightful you.

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When is a reaction an overreaction?

Posted on July 18, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

When bad news gets delivered at your doorstep, or when you find yourself in a stressful conversation, how do you generally handle it? Do you quickly respond by escalating the situation? Do you waste no time in defending yourself, your actions or your behavior? Does it seem like you don’t even have time to think about what else there is to do, but simply react in a perhaps emotionally driven way—with anger, fear or sadness leading the charge? Or do you stay calm, cool and collected? A veritable Clint Eastwood in the wild west of difficult and disabling conversations?

So what is going on? And how can you make these events less significant, less of an obstacle that you must hurdle yourself past?

No one likes criticism; no one likes to be on the receiving end of a complaint, or a problem. No one. But being in that place does not relegate you to the status of a victimized scapegoat, or a guilty person with no options.

One of the first suggestions I would make is that no immediate reaction is the best option. Listen. Really focus your attention on hearing what the other person says. It is not necessarily the best time to argue the merits of what is or what is not the truth, or your fault, or the cold impartial universe’s fault. Really, it will be okay. Listen to what the person is saying to you. And breathe. You are being presented with a situation that will allow you to show all those involved how wise, how smart, how patient, and how charming of a human being you really are.

Don’t believe me? Well, let’s talk about triggers then. We all have them. They are the subjects, people, situations that cause us to have a very real emotional reaction whether we want to or not. Triggers make us vulnerable. And when vulnerable, people tend to do one of two things. Fight or Flight.

So what can be done about triggers? First, we have to be aware that they exist. That part is easy, because a person just has to think about all the conversations they have had where they were not acting like Clint Eastwood. Once the trigger is identified, you work backwards to identify what the emotional reaction caused by the trigger is. And once that emotion is named, more work backwards to try to find the hidden internal belief, or story we tell ourselves (sometimes automatically and wholly in our unconscious) that gives fuel to that emotional reaction.

It is serious, real work. But as everyone knows, if you truly want react to a stressful situation in the calm, cool and calculating way of Clint Eastwood, you have got to know who is pulling the trigger and why.

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Are your meds making things worse?

Posted on June 24, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

After having it recommended to me by two different fellow counselors, I finally read the new book by journalist Robert Whitaker entitled, Anatomy of an Epidemic.

I think it should be required reading for anyone who ever has been on an antidepressant, or anyone who knows anyone who has ever been on an antidepressant. So, in short, almost the entire population of the United States. Or there about.

If you, like me, have wondered out loud and often why people are so likely to request a pill to solve the problems that ail them, this book goes through the history of psychiatry, magic solutions, and the marketing of “good” drugs like Thorazine, Prozac and the whole wave of SSRI anti depressants, with disturbing results.

But surely we shouldn’t even be trusting big pharma at this point, right? Sadly, the lack of general understanding about these drugs and the lack of reporting on the evidence of the actual effectiveness of drugs like Prozac and other antidepressants, gets lost among headlines about philandering Congressmen, celebrity marriages, and  the usual bipartisan bickering about minutia. The truth about  all these psychiatric medications and what they can do to us long term is the story no one wants you paying attention to.

The bottom line is that you should do some research and think twice before accepting the next happy pill your doctor tries to pass off to you as a remedy. It may in fact make you feel worse. I also want to suggest that talk therapy can and will be effective for addressing current stress related concerns, and deeper core emotional issues. Without causing unknown damage to your brain.

When living in a culture that rewards unscrupulous doctors and other providers with millions of dollars for promoting psychiatric med use on children (it’s in the book), the plight of the ordinary person becomes one of finding an advocate who truly supports them, not the newest drug, not the newest heath insurance quota, and not the almighty dollar.

I listened to a story recently about someone who had their dog put on Prozac. Think about that for a minute. Which is worse, do you think? That someone actually is forcing a beloved pet to take an antidepressant designed for humans, or that to the doctor in charge, and to the pharmaceutical company that sells the drugs, we are all one of the same–human, dog or just plain guinea pig.

My practice is called Therapy is Dandy and if you know someone who has been thinking about counseling, I would love to meet with them.

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Are you man enough for therapy?

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

After reading an interesting article from the New York Times here, I thought it would be good timing to discuss whether men in our society are feeling like therapy is less and less of an option for them.

To get there, first a bit of background. As a therapist for the last ten years, I have observed again and again how some of the most at risk populations have little or no access to mental health care–blue collar or working class individuals and couples. Take that lack of availability of affordable counseling services and the social stigma against therapy, and you have a rather large group of males who do not even know what they are missing.

Psychology is partially to blame for this lack of awareness and opportunity. Where catch all terms like empowerment, solidarity and validation have worked tremendously for women—and rightly s0—for men, therapy needs  to be offered in a different, masculine oriented fashion.

As anyone can attest, men are often focused solely on solutions, focused on getting results. Therapy can be drilled down to getting very specific solutions to very specific issues. As opposed to working on process, or existential issues, therapy with men can be as specific and solution focused as the male client needs. The problem, I think, is that many men don’t realize they may need it to begin with.

The way men tend to communicate and particularly learn and socialize from one another is very much the issue here.

Any man can remember what it was like to look up to the oldest male kid in your neighborhood. He was the one, perhaps no more than a couple years old than you, who knew so much more about everything that mattered, including: girls, school, parents, and alcohol and drugs. Boys of a certain age, form many opinions and beliefs in whatever pack they ran with. If you were athletic, you listened to other jocks. If you were bookish, you listened to others like yourself. If you were a loner, well, hopefully, you had books or movies to help you out.

With the internet, with smart phones, with Twitter, with so much information out there, the signal to noise ratio can be incredibly bad. Everyone tries to tell you what is best. Or worst. The news is full of conflicting, and at times, ridiculous sounding headlines. The ability to find wisdom in a culture full of noise and calamity is daunting. I haven’t even brought up the prevalence of single mother households and the general absence of traditional father figures in a lot of males’ lives. I think some men put on their blinders early and just try their best all alone.

I think that is unfortunate. And not necessary.  Male centric myths are full of wise mentor figures who not only help the heroes in question, but develop into overwhelming positive figures in pop culture the world over. Think about these figures: Yoda, Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Merlin, Professor Dumbledore, Morpheus. All of those figures resonant with the audience because men (and women, of course) respond to a teacher whose job it is to pass on the necessary wisdom to get the job done at the end of the day. In therapy, a man can come to terms with being his own mentor, his own Obi Wan Kenobi, if you will. The only thing stopping it from happening is your self.

Whatever your role is: father, son, husband, boyfriend, men tend to want to know how to get results. The mentor figure is what Joseph Campbell would call an ally in helping an individual get on the right path to following his bliss. Are you following yours?

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How much do you have to suffer before your insurance cares?

Posted on April 25, 2011 by Therapyisdandy

Or How sick do you have to be to get any help around here?

For anyone who has worked in the mental health industry, the usage of the term consumer as opposed to patient or client is nothing new. Paul Krugman recently brought it up here.

The real surprise is how badly these consumers are handled by the managed care system of today’s health care behemoths. If you are fortunate enough to be insured AND have a mental health component to your benefit, you may be very surprised that according to the penny pinchers, you are not eligible for mental health counseling. At least the kind that your health insurance will pay for.

If you didn’t know, the DSM IV is the diagnostic guide book that all mental health professionals use to categorize the various forms of mental illness out there. To be eligible for covered mental health services, you have to have a listed diagnosis—and it usually has to be serious. Like Major Depression Disorder, Severe with Psychotic Features (296.23), Or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (300.02), or Bipolar 1 Disorder, Single Manic Episode, in Full Remission (296.06). Confusing and spooky, yeah?

But what about an individual who is just feeling down, or experiencing grief and loss, or is one of the many victims of the terrible job market and economy? There is a diagnostic code for grief, called Bereavement (V62.82), but it is full of warnings about what is and what is not normal signs of grieving. Because surely, if the experts on the committee of the DSM can tell us all what real grief does and doesn’t look like, we should just bow down to their inestimable wisdom, yes? I don’t think so.

So, back to a regular Joe or Jane who just wants to work on communication issues, or maybe they are struggling with more, shall we say, existential concerns. The first meeting, or evaluation, you will have with your managed health care system (sometimes this will be over the phone) is going to be filled with a lot of questions meant to narrow down what specific DSM code diagnosis you are eligible for. And if you don’t fit into those prescribed diagnoses, you will most likely be determined to be, “not suffering enough to benefit from counseling.” There is a diagnosis, a catch-all, that is meant to help with this terrible situation: Adjust Disorder, unspecified (309.9). But Adjustment disorder is just not as sexy of a diagnosis as Schizoaffective Disorder (295.70) or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (313-13) these days, and it rarely will get much love from the health care industry.

As an experienced mental health counselor offering services specifically to the uninsured, or those fed up with their health care insurance, I can talk with you for hours about the DSM—pro and con. But I will treat you like a human being, not a diagnostic code number in a big, thick book full of a lot of politics and bureaucracy. And probably for less money out of pocket.

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